Since fall is right around the corner and many people are thinking of Halloween and falling leaves.  I thought a picture of my black cat would be kind of cool.  This is Baby, he is 18lbs and 8 years old.

Well I accomplished about half of what I was going to do today.  Wal-mart is a some place that I should go.  I love the store, but we went in for a couple of pairs of jeans for my husband and came out $139 lighter.  I would like to tell you it was all my husband’s fault, but since all he asked for was a six pack of Mr. Goodbars that would be a lie.  Instead of two pair of jeans I made him get four.  At $16.47 a pair I figured let’s do it now while we have the money.  So he has two black and two blue pair.  Then since I’m working a lot I’m having a lot of swelling in my ankles and my socks get tight so I bought some new socks for myself.  Then a sale on pillows caught my eye and we headed over there.  Since we are using the same pillows we both had when we lived at home with our folks a couple of new ones seemed like a good idea.  They were marked at $5 a piece and we got different color stripes so we can tell whose pillows are whose.  Then a $12 coffee maker under the doctors orders.  Since giving up the caffienated pop isn’t working exchange it for coffee, low fat milk and splenda.  It’ll save me about 500 calories a day.  I also bought a dry erase board to stick on the fridge with a magnet marker so I don’t lose that either.  I hate rushing around trying to find a pen and paper when I’m in a hurry.  Then the jerky my husband loves that costs like $5 at the gas station was on sale for $2.47 so I told him to get a couple of bags.    So see all my fault, but rarely do I do anything like that so I figured what the heck.  At least now my old man’s isn’t walking around in pants with huge holes in them.

With as busy as my husband and I have been at our jobs, certain things at home have fallen to the side.  Things like food, cleaning and sleeping.  Today is the day to catch up on all those things so I can make it through the next four.  I have 52 hours of work left before my work week is done.  I guess I should say pay period because a day off is about two more weeks away.
But today my husband and I are off to Walmart to buy him some jeans.  His buddy says they carry his size and they are relatively inexpensive.  If that’s the case he will be getting three pair.  It will be the first time in about five years that he has more then one pair of jeans at the same time.  Then were off to K-mart where the loafers he likes are on sale for a couple pair of them.  Off to the pet store to stock up on food and treats.  Then grocery shopping, I have no idea what we need, but that could be because I’m never home. Are you wondering what I’m getting out ofthe deal?  My truck fixed.  That’s what I’ve been working for and that all I want.  Then home for a nap for David before work and hopefully a long sleep for me.  Damn it makes me tired just typing it.  Okay off for a shower and then maybe the old man will be up and ready to roll.  Take Care all!

I’m supposed to be doing the grocery shopping right now and I came home instead.  For two reason actually.  The first is I have eighty dollars to work with so I want to scan the ads for the best deals and second my knee is killing me.  I don’t know walking around Meijers is what the doctor would order.  So a little Q & A.  Chosen at random. 

Q) Sometimes I feel like a bad person.  Is that normal?  Do you ever feel that way?
A) For most of my life I felt like a bad person.  Mostly because I didn’t know how to balance protecting myself from being hurt by people and opening up to people.  It was easier not to try to be liked.  Now at 33 I feel like I’m a pretty good person.  I have my days (weeks,months), but on the whole I feel better about myself.  After all I work hard, help others when I can and try to make good decisions.  The last time I felt truly horrible is when I hurt Nibbles.  Accident or not I haven’t felt that bad in a long time.  So now everyday is an attempt to make things better.  Is it normal to feel like a bad person?  I have no idea.  Nobody ever really considered me normal.

Q) I was reading some old entries of yours and if you actually weigh as much as you say you do why don’t you file for social security disablity and sit back and collect the money instead of working?
A) Because I’m not disabled.  Yes some people my size don’t work or get around as well as I do and that frankly scares the crap out of me.  My theory is simple.  If I can work, I work.  I’m not disabled, just fat.  Not to mention if I sat around I’d be dead and fat.  I belive one day things will click and I’ll get the weight off, but until then I don’t just curl up and let life pass me by. 

Q) Fall is right around the corner.  What says fall to you?  The turning of the leaves?  The drop in temperature? 
A)Sure that stuff signals it, but for me fall is a scarf around the neck and leaves crunching under my feet when I walk.  Watching kids jump into leaf piles and coming out with twiggs in their hair.

Okay that was three at random.  That was fun.  Now I’m off to bed.  What signals fall to you?  Is it normal to think your a bad person?  What’s your two cents?

Okay pretty much running on fumes.  Got up this morning a little after six and went to work.  Was there until 11AM.  Since then I have been to both banks, the smoke shop, the insurance agency, CVS for anniversary card for my brother and his wife, Taco bell for a $2 lunch and over Tim Hortons for a cinnamon roll I’ve been craving for weeks.  Now I’m home and I’m going to sleep for a couple of hours.  Then get up about six, shower, dress, feed the pests and pack a bag of junk for work and off to work at 9:00 PM.  Where I will be until 3:00PM tomorrow.  My residents are probably sick of me. LOL.  But bringing home a thousand dollar pay check was nice.  Actually cashing and paying bills with that paycheck was nice.  A couple more like that and maybe I’ll have the bills caught up and the truck fixed.  I’m tired but I’m doing alright.  Kidney’s are functioning right and I haven’t killed anyone yet.  That’s a bonus.  Okay folks off to bed.  Hey in case I get I don’t get back to ya until Monday everybody have a fun and safe weekend. 

Remember earlier in the week I said I blew a fuse at work and I’d talk about it later?  Well it’s later.  To be prefectly honest with you ever since the incident with the chick at group home #2 I haven’t really wanted to be around her.  That plus the numerous med errors and documentation fuck ups were really getting on my nerves.  Then I walk in on Thursday and the chick took the afternoon off and I got stuck with the dip shit co-worker.  Who took one residents and disappeared for the whole shift.  She said she was taking him out to eat and to the movies and all she really did is take him to her mom’s house so she could do laundry.  That is wrong on so many levels and I don’t even want to tell you why.  So I told my boss I was tired of the chick drama, that people keep making stupid mistakes with the guys meds and programs and nothing is being done about it.  I told him he needs to grow some stones and start acting like a manager and quit trying to make all employees happy because it just won’t happen.  Then in the middle of the conversation I decided I was going back to group home #1.  Sure the manager is a bit off, but my co-workers are great and I love my residents.  So I said I’m outta here in two weeks and the poor guy almost started to cry.  He’s in school and if I leave altogether he’d have to drop his classes.  He’s been good to me so I said I would drop down to two days a week there.  That was an arrangement he could live with.

Then I talked to group home #1 manager and said I wanted more hours and I almost thought she was going to kiss me.  The home will soon be liscensed and a new resident should be coming shortly after that.  So that worked out all around and my co-workers at group home #1 are thrilled.  Suckers.  No but they are guys and I relate better with guys.  Then today my manager said, “I know you don’t like titles or anything, but when the new resident comes in I hope to get you a raise and you don’t have to worry about the title of assistant manager or med coordinator.”  I said, “I’ll take it and I’ll take the title.”  Yep folks I actually said I would like to be assistant manager and I meant it.  Fuck, I deserve it.”  So we’ll see how that goes.

Now the funny part.  At group home #2 the manager is leaving the position and going back to just doing direct care.  That means the chick will most likely become the manager and he asked if I would consider the assistant job there.  No way, nope, never, nay, and hell no.  But it’s always nice to be asked.  So the first of October I start working 2 days at group home #2 and the rest at group home #1 until the new resident comes in, then I leave group home #2 for good.  I’m happy with the decision and I hope it all works out.  So I guess blowing a fuse was a good idea.
Now there are rumors flying like crazy about wy I’m leaving and they are pretty funny.  The chick and I were lovers and she dumped me and I couldn’t handle it.  All my co-workers were ganging up on me and I couldn’t take it.  That I fell in love with my boss.  And the list just goes on.  The funny thing is what do those other people care what my reasons are?  They don’t know me.  Okay off to bed.  Night

I’ve pretty much slept the day away.  Got up and worked this morning, came early and since I wasn’t feeling well went to sleep.  Been sleeping off and on all day ever since and ready to go back to sleep again.  I’ve had a series of dreams all day and it’s been weird stuff.  Like laying in a field of flowers one minute and at a gym working out so hard I look like Im about to blow a blood vessle (sp?).  Sitting at a Moody Blues Concert that turns into a Meatloaf concert instead.  Petting my dog who turns into a fluffy cloud.  And of course the baby dream, from fat, to thin and straight to pregnant.  I think I might actually be more tired from my dreams.  Anybody else dream like that?  Lil bits of stuff that your not sure where the hell it came from?

Normally I wouldn’t be.  I would be at work at group home #2.  But I had a training class today. There are going to be some changes because good old Cindy got tired at work and blew a fuse on Thursday.  I’ll talk about that more later.
Puppy and I have talked about it and decided that we are going to nap until about 9:00PM then we’ll get up and I’ll do laundry, dishes and stuff and he can nap on the couch in the livingroom. Man he always gets the better deal.

It took me a long time to sit down and write out all the thank you notes to everyone that helped take care of Nibbles.  But we brought his ashes home on Friday and I’ve been wanting to do it since then.  But the weekend is when I work the most so I just finished the last letter this morning and they will go out this afternoon.
You see poeple fall down and just cry due to loss all the time on T.V. and even though you feel bad for them you think I would never do that.  Well at least I did.  But when the vet tech handed me those ashes I kept on saying to myself hold it together and I did until I got out the door.  Outside holding my baby in a box about the size of a watch case was almost to much for me.  I was on my way down and if my husband hadn’t caught me I would have been one of those people.  All I’ve been through and all that I’ve lost and a kitten almost brings me to my kness.  So I sit here surrounded by what looks like a thousand snotty tissues and all that left for me to do is say a public thank you to everyone that was there for Nibbles.  Maybe they might not want to be associated with this blog, but what the heck.

Dr. Hill and the staff at Donaldson’s Animals Hospital.  You took great care of Nibbles and all my other babies when they needed it.  Going above and beyond all the time and I’ll never forget it.

Oakland Veterinary Referreal Services.  For doing the surgery to try save my baby’s life and taking care of his creamation after.  Special note Jim Thompson, the office manager, we know you bent over backwards to help us.

To Speedy Printing on Opdyke in Auburn Hills.  Thank you for donating the flyers you made for us.  Sometimes it’s the little things that make the most difference.

To Art for understanding when I didn’t come to work when the kitten was deathly ill.  You could have been a dick about it, but you weren’t. I’ll remember that.

To all of you out there that visit Cindyisms.  Your kindness has been wonderful.  I might need a shoulder to cry on every once in a while for a while longer.

To my husband for helping me not to just curl up and die.  For not blaming me when it was ceratinly my fault, but still accident.  For telling me to do what ever I needed to do to know I tried my best.  Thank you.

I left work early this morning.  Hell by the end of the week I’ll have more the 24 hours of over time so what the heck.  I wanted to come home and take a nap.  I’m going up to have dinner with my folks this evening and because I’ve been lacking in sleep I’ve been a bit cranky, I don’t want to go up and be an asshole.  So the dog is out peeing and when he’s done we are off to go slide in next to my husband for about four good hours of sleep.  Then I’ll wake up do a little hygiene, take my husband to work and head to Hooterville where I intend to kick my mother’s ass at cards and pick up some Splenda Jelly.  Then home and probably back to bed because tomorrow is another twelve hour day.