Today the plan was to turn in my written request to the main office, but I woke up late and I told my boss I would come in early.  So it will have to wait until Monday.  I found out Big Poppa will be returning to the home to work which is good news for my guys.  They love him so much. 
The guys I work with keep saying to me, you’ll change your mind.  Don’t talk about stuff I need to know before you leave.  Denial is a loving thing.  There is so much to do and so much that I keep have to pushing back and pushing back because there just aren’t enough hours in a work day
I came home, had a sandwich and I think I am ready for bed.  Been a long day.  Night all.

After almost seven years in my current group home position I asked for a transfer yesterday.  I went back and forth.  I cried and prayed some.  But at the end of the day my gut tells me it is a move I needed to make.  Now if all the powers that be are in agreement about mid June I will be leaving my long term work family to start again.
There are a number of reasons for the change.  The biggest one is at the new home I will be the one starting fresh.  Not the one to once again try to settle new people into the homes routine.  To build trust enough with those new people to leave them with our consumers and not want to call at 4am to check.  I will be the one to settle in.  To have to prove myself worthy to be trusted with the consumers. 
In our profession you can’t work with people, especially in a small house like ours and not get attached.  You can’t not feel something when once again you are the person left behind to sort it out.  To rebuild the community.  When Mr. Blue Eyes left us a little over 2 years ago I was heart broken.  Then a little over a year ago Don Juan and now Big Poppa.  Each of those people were a huge piece of our puzzle and each time the stress and strain was vast.
In my life right now it is about simplifying.  So that I can find Cindy. The Cindy who got so wrapped up in marriage and work, that I forgot I love to write.  Watch movies and eat popcorn.  Hasn’t really spent more then probably a day’s worth of time out in my own yard since I got here.  It’s going back to school so one day I can retire. 
Right now I kind of hate myself for leaving.  I am leaving two of the most kindest and wonderful men to be cared for by others.  That just SUCKS, but I go with my gut and my gut says this is the right thing for me.

Tomorrow is payday and to be honest I am chomping at the bit!  This is my fridge and I keep hoping it developed magical powers while I was working and I would open it up and there would be milk, butter and stuff in there.

But every time I have opened it up for the last week it has looked like this….

So tomorrow it is shopping day.  Before I pay bills and before anything else I will be heading to Aldi for the essentials and maybe something special or two.  Today since it is pretty empty I am going scrub the hell out of it!  Amazing the things that provide me joy!

Good afternoon world!  What do you have planned for me today?
Thank you for the morning phone call.  Nice to hear your voice even if I don’t see you everyday.  You know who you are. 
Mental note:  put sun screen on shopping list before I become extra crispy!

Built in breathlizer (sp?) machine.  A perfect gift for any man or woman you know that drunk calls or texts at 1AM.  No more having to call the next day and say I’m sorry to Father Murphy for accidentally sending him a picture of your right boob after too many Long Islands.  No accidentally calling Mom and Dad because you forgot to hit the lock button on your phone and my all time favorite no calling to tell someone you love them at 3AM because you just can’t believe it could wait until morning.
Hell I would buy one and give a few out as gifts.  Think about all the embaressment we would be saving ourselves each month.  So somebody get busy making these suckers before everybody’s goodies end up on Face Book.

I was watching some birds sleep with their head under their wing.  I was thinking some of us are going through life with our heads under our wings.  Either for protection from our feelings or our fears or something else.  I feel like that.  I feel like I keep my head under my wing and only once in a while either in the bright sunshine of happiness or the pain like being hit hard from a rock do I ever remove my head out from under my wing.
People tell me I am so laid back, nothing bothers you and your aren’t afraid of anything.  Talk to anyone who really knows me and they will say that is a crock of shit.  Yes I will fight when I have to.  But fighting is easy.  It is all the rest that is hard.
I have decided to pull my head out from under my wing.  It will be a slow process.  Been shut down for so long that not sure what to do.  All I know is My head was under my wing and I missed out on something special to me a few years back.  I won’t make that mistake again.

So I woke up to a phone call from a friend who is feeling upset.  I do my best to help my friend calm down.  Then I try to go back to sleep.  The mind starts going, then the body says well fuck your awake lets go pee.  So I get up to use the restroom and say to myself screw it you know you aren’t going to sleep.  So I have a cup of chocolate milk( 2%) and a shower.  I dress and puppy and I go outside.  And as I stand out in the middle of my yard watching my 12 year old dog run around sniffing looking like a happy puppy I say to myself this is why it’s worth it.  Every back pain, every piece of bullshit at work is for this.  I have a home that I can be proud of, puppy has a yard where he is safe because of the the fence and when I go to work I do not have to worry about wiring or broken floors.  My girls and my boys are happier and healthier here.  I feel safer and want to come home at night, it’s worth it. 

I have stuff going on that concerns me, but I cannot write about it because it concerns work and I don’t want to lose my job because of my big mouth.  I will say one of my residents is upset by a change at the home and laws put me between a rock and a hard place.  I am doing my best to sooth him, but he is asking me because he trusts me and I hate that I don’t know what to say.

Home is good.  An understanding has been reach at the casa.  One that will ease my mind about the dog and his bladder.  So keep your fingers crossed it works out.  Hardest part about this whole thing is doing right by “my children”.  I refuse for their care to be lessened because of me.  I think my Baby is getting a loose bladder.  I had pee-pee on my couch which I haven’t had happen before.  We cleaned it up, but before the next social event I will have it treated and cleaned professionally.  So it’s time to see the vet.  Baby is like his human mom and carries a lot of weight so it may be from being fat, but I want to know if I should be doing something for him.  And Tyler needs a new license too which means shots.  Can you say money?  Or more importantly good bye to money!

I had somebody I love hurt me yesterday.  Said something that wasn’t meant to hurt me, but when I came out of their mouth it was a knife in my heart.  I never got off the phone so fast in my life!  I could feel tears coming and I refused to cry about something so dumb.  I refused to cry when I know it was not aimed at me personally.  This person would not hurt me like that on purpose.  Now I am debating do I answer the phone the next time it rings?  I mean part of me feels like I need to back off and get control again.  I had to do this once before, but the circumstances other then the stupid comment were good.  So I guess I should trust my gut.  If it rings and I feel I should pick it up I will.  If not I will let it ring.

And the truth is with all the crap going on I feel so blessed.  I have my folks, friends and a home of my own.  A job that I love (most of the time) and at 36 I am finally figuring shit out slowly!
Enjoy this Beautiful day!

I stayed home from work today.  Every time I stood up I felt dizzy and felt like I wanted to throw up.  Called the Dr who said continue with the new pill and carry my blood pressure machine around with me for a couple of days and document my pressure several times a day and get back to him.  It’s gonna be a pain in the ass to do, but as part of the taking care of me business I will do as told.

I also was planning on getting a bigger t.v. from my friend’s mom’s garage sale, but with the med and the possibility I will have to go back at least once before my next pay day I chose not to get it but keep the money in case I need it for office visits or meds.  I felt horrible after I told her I wanted it, but again this taking care of me shit is hard!  And the garage sale hasn’t happen yet so some lucky person will get it instead.  So for now it’s still the little t.v., but that’s okay.  Everything will be okay!  Take Care All!

Sometimes the hardest thing about being on my own is when i feel like ass.  When there is somebody there you can say I feel like ass.  They look you over, feel your forehead and say yep you like ass.  And even though they are telling you nothing new it seems to help.  I know why I feel like ass.  My blood pressure has been a bit high so the doc put me on a blood pressure pill in the am and one in the pm instead of just one in the am.  And anytime my meds change I have to regroup?recoup?  Today was payday so I pick up my script and I started it tonight.  It will get better, it always does, but right now I’m not sure if I wanna lay down or throw up.  Puppy is sitting by the bedroom door.  I think his vote is lay down.  So that is what we are going to do and pray tomorrow I don”t feel like ass!