Cindyisms

Nope it’s not about sex (at least not this time) it’s about cheesecake.  Yep that’s right a thought or two about cheese cake.  I make a killer chocolate chip cheese cake that never makes it more then two days in my home.  But I bought a variety cheese cake from the store because I didn’t feel like making one and the old man likes cheese cake or other goodies while he’s sick.  Usually I could give a flying fuck about store bought cheese cake, but this one had a chocolate and berry swirl that was killer!  The stuff was so good that if you spread it on the muff of a homeless chick that hadn’t bathed in three weeks it would still probably taste good.  Okay probably not then, but at any other time it would.  So if your in the mood for killer cheese cake go to Kroger in the bakery fridge section and pick one up.  Private Selections-New York Style Cheese cake- the variety pack.  Cost me $12.99 and worth every fucking penny.  Yes I am mental and I encourage you to be.  If you have a food you would cut of your right tit or left ball for let me know.  I’m always up for an adventure!

This evening around 5:00 P.M. my husband and I recieved a phone call from our fourteen year old nephew.  He called to tell us that today he bowled his first 300 game ever.
Now it’s not world peace or as exciting as the first time you got laid, but to him it was “awsome” news.  Because it made him so happy and we love him so much it made it pretty awsome for us too. 
Isn’t amazing how one persons happiness can affect you?  I was laying down trying to take a nap when he called.  I had the “I’m freezing my nipples off and I feel cranky” blues, but the minute I heard his excitement I was thrilled.  I guess the best part is that whenever something happens in his life he calls us.  That we know that he knows we’re there for him to celebrate the victories, cry about the loss and get pissed off about the hassels with him.  In a time when so many kids have nobody, it feels good to be that special aunt.  The one he calls, loves to spend the weekend with and isn’t afraid to talk too.  I wish everybody had a nephew like mine, I get ten times the joy from him then he gets from me.

I’m so excited I got my first frequently asked question!  See how fucking boring my life is I’m practically creaming myself over something stupid!
The question was why did I chose the e-mail address tyeman70 when I have breasts? (I paraphased that a bit)
The answer is:  tyeman70 used to be the address of my best friend who was killed in an auto accident last October.  His wife hated me and so e-mail was the easiest way to communicate back and forth without the witch knowing.  When my friend passed away his mother gave me the password so I could notify all of his on-line friends of his death.  After my friend’s death his wife cut all contact with me and my God children so basically all I had left was the old e-mail address.  Silly and sentimental, but hey even us bitches have a soft side.  Love them while you have them and tell them often.

Okay I got to bitch!  I’m an independant contractor and for my job I drive a lot (84 miles a night).  I drive the same roads seven days a week in rain and snow, hell I’d have to drive them if they were covered in snot, but the thing that pisses me off is at least once a night I run into (not literally) a stupid mother trucker driving a semi!
Now don’t get your panties in a bunch!  I am usually fond of truck drivers, hell I’m married to one, but there always seems to be that one prick that does something dangerous on the road.  Tonight all I wanted to do was enter the freeway so that I could drive the three miles to my next stop.  At times of course a person coming on to the freeway enters at the same time as a semi is coming past.  Not usually a problem because usually the semi driver will a) move over one lane to allow you on if there is space, b) slow down if he can and signal you to come on in or c) speed up so you don’t run out of entrance ramp before he passes.  Simple right?  Nope.  The fucking moron does none of the above so I’m running out of road because he’s too lazy to pay attention!
There was no traffic in the other fucking lane!  The roads were not hazardous, the guy was just being a prick.  There a thousands of truck drivers out there that a careful and concerned drivers and it only takes one dick (like this guy) to sour people against semi drivers.  On more then one occasion when I have found myself in trouble it was a gentleman in a semi that stopped to offer help.  So what am I trying to say in this long rant?  LISTEN YOU PUSSIES THAT DRIVE TRUCK LIKE YOUR THE ONLY ONE ON THE ROAD, YOUR NOT!!  YOUR GIVING A BAD NAME TO OTHER SEMI DRIVERS THAT WILL BE LUMPED INTO THE SAME CATAGORY AS YOUR SORRY ASS.  I HOPE THE MDOT OR SOME OTHER LAW ENFORCEMENT GROUP GET A HOLD OF YOUR ASS!  ALSO FOR YOUR INFORMATION YOU LITTLE FUCKERS, PEOPLE LIKE ME KEEP TRACK OF PEOPLE LIKE YOU AND WE REPORT YOU TO ANYONE WE CAN THINK OF.  DON’T LIKE IT?  DON’T BE A PUSSY!
Nough said!

Many times in these little rant sessions I like to call creative writing, your going to see a whole shit load of spelling errors and grammar mistakes.  The truth is as a English teacher I did an excellent job of catching the errors of my students, but never my own.  So maybe I’ll be missing a coma (or four) and fragmented sentences will just happen, but what the fuck, it’s just for fun right?
Spelling errors come down to the fact that I’m just too fucking lazy to hunt down the dictionary that keeps running off.  The last time I found it behind the bed!  What was it doing there?  Got me.  Maybe it was....
“Oh honey that was magnificent!”
“Really? How do you spell that?”
“Roll off and I’ll check the dictionary.”
Nope even too weird for me.  Anyway I’m drifting again, the point is I hope that the crappy in spelling and grammar don’t get in the way of what your enjoyment of the reading!  Sometimes I have a lot of great shit to say, I just can’t remember whether or not there is an E or an IE on the endings.

I’m reading a book about how to have red hot sex all the time and one of the chapters deals with the subject of masturbation.  Let me tell you the book isn’t all that good, so while reading I began to drift away. 
I realized that the word masturbating doesn’t really work for me.  I mean look at the word…
Mastur is close to master as in I’m a slave to my pussy and bating is very close to baiting as in baiting a hook.  Which makes me think of fish and of course I know I don’t need to go on from there.
Some women talked about calling it mistressbating, but that has it’s own problems.  Mistress is like saying I’m trying to get off using somebody elses pussy and bating well just see above.
Now there are the lovely expressions jerk off, whacking or my all time favorite “pleasuring yourself”.  I gotta laugh at that one.  I need a fancy dinner, candles dripping wax and a bubble bath to go along with my hand in my crotch to make it pleasurable. 
I think I need to come up with a new pharse.  I’m not sure what I’m looking for, but I’ll know it when I hear it.  All I do know is it won’t have anything to do with fish.

As I sit here I’ve been trying to come up with something witty to say that will make you all feel instantly welcome here.  Know what I’ve come up with?  That’s right I don’t have dick, so I’ll just say Hi and leave it at that.
Cindyisms is a blog that is all about whatever is floating around in my head that day.  Some days it will be a great and some days you’ll wish I’d shut the hell up.  Being brought up in a very verbal family I will warn you I write how I talk and I have little tact.  So if your easily offended Cindyisms is not for you.
A special thank-you goes out to my big brother for all his know how and what not.  Since I’m a tad bit (okay a lot ) computer retarded he has been able to translate a lot of this computer crap for me.
So if you enjoy what you read visit often and if it’s not your cup of tea thanks for dropping by.  So smoke em if you got em and I’m looking forward to hearing from you!