Yes it is a strange entry title for a woman to have unless I’m either looking for a new man or any one of the assorted sports balls out there. But it is neither.

Finding my balls is about taking some time to see what areas of my life I need to improve on and what areas I’m happy with. Then putting forth the effort to change things. Not just sitting back and hoping that things will work out. That the messy stuff will either go away on its own or be solved.

The hard part for me is that with all that has happened I’m not really sure where I stand on some things. And then at other times things seems clear. Like my job. I still love my residents and my co-workers, but I know I had to make some changes too. When my boss came back I decided to treat it as a clean slate. Like when you first start at a new company. She is my boss she deserves respect and she does her job well. She is a good person, we just tangle personality wise sometimes. Also when a new resident comes so will new staff. I have to remember to take a step back and listen more. Try to be less intimidating. All changes I’m sure of. So I can mark those off my list.

The other thing is self.  Examining self sucks.  It’s like taking a mirror and looking at my soul.  Some stuff I like and some stuff I don’t.  A couple of things I realized are that I am a workaholic and I like it.  Days off are just more time that I can fuck things up.  Working I have less of a chance of making things messy. 

I need more freedom then what I have right now.  More time to myself and more time to take care of my needs.  I know that bothers the crap out of some people, but that’s the way loners are.  So I have to figure out how much freedom I need.  What do I need to do to feel less like I’m being smothered and more like I’m flying free?  I know I’m not explaining it well, but like I said I still am figuring this shit out.

All I know is when I lost my other mother it kind of got me to thinking.  She spoke her mind, did things her way and was very happy with her life.  She died happy with what she wanted out of life.  Only thing I think she would be upset about is not seeing the birth of her first great grandchild.  That’s the kind of life I want.