Sorry I have not been around lately but since many of you read my mom’s blog know I lost my other mother a little over a week ago and things have been kind of up in the air. You know not knowing which end is up or one of my Momma’s favorite saying, “Not knowing my ass from a hole in the ground.” Is that right ma?Sounds right, but I could be wrong.

I want to write all about her. I want to tell you all a million different reason why this woman was so remarkable, but I just haven’t been able to put it into words yet. I still cry too much and too often. I can tell you this and it’s kind of strange but funny at the same time. I found out that she passed away on a Friday evening while I was at work. I still had a job to do so I did it the best that I could. That day and many days after that every time I would say the f-word I would look up to heaven and tell her I was sorry. Before she passed away and I would get upset and that word would come out of my mouth she would give that stern mother look and say,“Cindy Catherine!” and I’d stop and take a breath and calm down a bit. So I could picture her up there just giving me that look every time I said that word. Which pretty much everyone knows is often.

So here is the other thing that is on my mind.  I didn’t get to see her as much while she was in the hospital and that just bugs me.  I had to work and I didn’t have the money for the parking garage. Is she alright with that?

Also she knows how my life is going and she knows I’ve made some mistakes but I wonder can she really be proud of me when I myself have felt like such a failure for so long?  At least when she was alive I knew I had her strength to fall back on.  Would she support me in the decisions that I’m making now?  Does she believe that I can get to the point where I can stand on my own two feet? Would she be sitting up in Heaven and pointing down and saying there is my girl and she is doing what she needs to do?  Or maybe the voice that is talking to me in the back of my head saying get your shit together is her.  I’m not sure.